a long ramble.

i have a lot to write about. so, it may take two posts.

so after learning about not getting accepted to teach for america, i have so many more questions than answers, and i feel more lost than ever. which is so strange. because i have so much going for me, i just suppose it's really tough for me to think that it's not what is happening next year...i really thought that it was what i was supposed to be doing, and know i just really don't know what that is.

i talked with a friend today about praying for clarity. and ya know, my pastor from home told me that in praying for clarity we also have to pray for trust and patience. well, i definitely need patience because i honestly don't have much of any right now...and it's not even that i want clarity--it's more that i want some vague direction that my life is heading in...i have not a clue what the next phase of my life is going to be.

i mean, i guess i know a little bit...i have a job--skating, of course...but i'm just not sure if that's going to be enough. and i talked at length with matt about it today. i want to coach skating, because it's what makes me happy--especially right now. and moving home and coaching with my mom? AMAZING. i can't wait to work with the program she built...and I guess i just can't seem to think of a job that will work in both aspects. like, finding a job and coaching skating? will that work?

i'm still considering eloping and selling my homemade tie dye. or just becoming mary poppins. she is my hero.

maybe i could do all three of those. and coach skating. ok, maybe not the eloping part, but whatevs, it sounds like fun and spontaneous. i mentioned to my mom being a nanny next year and she responded "there's no health benefits". i grumbled. it's true! i need health insurance, methinks.

GAH! too much freakin' stuff to think about.

i also really feel like the fact that i have no drive or direction is SO unlike me. I feel like i'm not living up to my own expectations. especially going to a school like bsc. it's such a school that makes you want to DO things after you graduate.

well i did, but apparently there are other plans for me. i just want some sort of VAGUE direction. like just a little hint. i feel like i'm driving on a road with nothing in front of me. no road signs, no exits, no speed limits....i just want one tiny arrow or road sign. even if it's tiny and i'm hardly able to see it. grumble grumble grumble.

anyways. i must work on my honors project. GRUMBLES.

peace.