a long ramble.

i have a lot to write about. so, it may take two posts.

so after learning about not getting accepted to teach for america, i have so many more questions than answers, and i feel more lost than ever. which is so strange. because i have so much going for me, i just suppose it's really tough for me to think that it's not what is happening next year...i really thought that it was what i was supposed to be doing, and know i just really don't know what that is.

i talked with a friend today about praying for clarity. and ya know, my pastor from home told me that in praying for clarity we also have to pray for trust and patience. well, i definitely need patience because i honestly don't have much of any right now...and it's not even that i want clarity--it's more that i want some vague direction that my life is heading in...i have not a clue what the next phase of my life is going to be.

i mean, i guess i know a little bit...i have a job--skating, of course...but i'm just not sure if that's going to be enough. and i talked at length with matt about it today. i want to coach skating, because it's what makes me happy--especially right now. and moving home and coaching with my mom? AMAZING. i can't wait to work with the program she built...and I guess i just can't seem to think of a job that will work in both aspects. like, finding a job and coaching skating? will that work?

i'm still considering eloping and selling my homemade tie dye. or just becoming mary poppins. she is my hero.

maybe i could do all three of those. and coach skating. ok, maybe not the eloping part, but whatevs, it sounds like fun and spontaneous. i mentioned to my mom being a nanny next year and she responded "there's no health benefits". i grumbled. it's true! i need health insurance, methinks.

GAH! too much freakin' stuff to think about.

i also really feel like the fact that i have no drive or direction is SO unlike me. I feel like i'm not living up to my own expectations. especially going to a school like bsc. it's such a school that makes you want to DO things after you graduate.

well i did, but apparently there are other plans for me. i just want some sort of VAGUE direction. like just a little hint. i feel like i'm driving on a road with nothing in front of me. no road signs, no exits, no speed limits....i just want one tiny arrow or road sign. even if it's tiny and i'm hardly able to see it. grumble grumble grumble.

anyways. i must work on my honors project. GRUMBLES.

peace.

so..i didn't get accepted to teach for america, and i'm rather upset. i mean, i didn't even have my hopes up that high, but i guess i wanted it so badly that i got disappointed.

i don't even know where to go from here, or what to do. meaning next year. i have not a clue. i was so sure of this, and now i have 4 months to figure out what i'm going to do after i graduate.

grrrrrrrrreat.

i'm not thrilled.

i just have to keep remembering that god is in control, and that when one door closes, another one opens. i just hope that door appears soon, otherwise i'll be pissed.

keep the faith. pray for me, maybe?

my boyfriend

is crazy about her.14 hours ago


(my boyfriend's facebook status today)

okay, this is the kind of strange thing that makes my world go round...

i ran 2.36 miles today, and it felt awesome. i forgot how much i like running. and it really impresses me that i can get out there and run that much without training.

i think i will run instead of do the elliptical from now on.

i can't go into the lab tomorrow, and it's stressing me out hardcore. it's not my fualt though, cuz i'll be working on my honors project, which is a good thing, right? ughhh. it's going to be okay, right?

sometimes i don't like living alone for the month. other times i do...

i have been doing a lot of nothing. like today i sat on the couch for hours.

however, campus police fixed my car which was good. the battery works! i'm still a bit hesitant to use it, so i may just use my friend's for one more day. i'd rather drive it around campus first.

im sleepy. running makes that tired. i'm also making quite the mess in my apartment without my rooommates here. it's not quite a mess, but there are jackets around everywhere, cuz i've been living in the living room since i am less lonely when i'm in here.

ok. i must shower!

i have a lot of life ramblings right now. remember that time i said i wasn't anxious about my future? well, i lied.

however, i'm not sure i have time to type them. my yeast cells are in the lab incubating sadly...

i did just send an email to my grandmother telling her how much i would like to get to know her better. this is the biological one. i really want to get to know my family a little bit better, especially after my grandfather dying a few weeks ago. i guess i didn't realize how much they mean to me.

alas...to the lab!

"...I have come to understand that we are more connected than we'll ever know. One cannot be free while others are in chains. One cannot be whole while others are broken. We cannot run from injustice - in doing so we are running from ourselves.... we would become frauds. Be the real deal. This is the ironic twist- in caring for others you will become yourself. As you give yourself away you become richer, stronger. My example is the one who gave himself to death so that I might live. Our lives are too short to ignore the pain. It would be a lie to run away"-jon foreman

i can't believe a years gone by so fast...

i hate packing. especially when it's after christmas break. reasons?

1. i brought a lot of stuff for break home over thanksgiving
2. airlines freaking charge for the first checked bag.
   
3. i have skates
4. i got a lot of christmas presents that have to be packed.
   
5. it's winter, so there are lots of big clothes.
   
6. i have 2 bags, which means $40 to continental.
   

and it means i have to go back to school. this is always sad, especially because it's been an amazing month with my family, and more importantly my boy. it's amazing how well we work together. a few minor tiffs here and there. but hey, that's normal.

maybe i'm actually a really bad packer...that could be it. i wish wynne was here to help.

my friends decided that we are going on a road trip to bring me and my stuff home from bsc. i'm super stoked. it's gonna be a blast.

i can't believe it's 2009. i remember like when i started high school, i made the realization that me and my sister would be graduating 8th grade and college at the same time, and it seemed like 2009 was ages away.

hellooo it's here already, and i'm kinda really excited. so much happened in 2008--not great things either so it's nice to have somewhat of a fresh start, ya know?

i don't like to make resolutions, because i never keep them.

goals are better. i want to pass most of my dances. lose a bunch of weight (isn't that everyone's goal? oh well...i think i'm really going to try)...and finish out senior year with a BANG.

this is the home stretch. i really honestly can't believe it.

go go gadget graduation!